


Safety in the Outlands

by Hectrex



Category: Apex Legends (Video Games)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-15 22:13:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29565927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hectrex/pseuds/Hectrex
Summary: Following the unfortunate events of Fuse's welcoming celebration, the Syndicate attempts to save face by having the legends film safety PSAs. They are (mostly) terrible.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 12





	Safety in the Outlands

**Author's Note:**

> C/w for brief description of death/consumption by alien fauna.
> 
> This takes place right after Fuse's arrival.
> 
> Also, I tried to translate some words for Bloodhound, but I'm open to any sources that can make sure they are correct. I trust Google Translate as much a Crypto trusts a Syndicate gift basket.

"It's still a terrible idea, but I'll have a good laugh at it," chuckles Blisk as he kicks back in his patched-up chair, a snifter of whiskey in his hand. 

Perturbed, Jacob uploads the data drive into Blisk's old monitor as he tries to convince the commissioner, "Just remember that the Board has their boots on my throat after the KC incident, so I had to do something to make people feel safer at the live events." 

Blisk almost suggests that more security would be a suitable improvement, but he's already danced that dance with the Board. The Syndicate does things cheap before they do them efficiently these days. God forbid they stop the flow of coin to Psamathe so a couple of titans can stand guard over the matches. Oh well, it might be his circus, but he can only fit so many clowns in at a time when there are already several punching down at him. 

The monitor, bruised and ancient, fizzles to life and gives off a grey glow of static. As Blisk dims the lights, the glow of the monitor is the only thing brighter than the commissioner's cigar perched on its ash tray. 

"I don't know why you still use this old thing. Has to be a century old, at least," complains Jacob, which is almost the only thing he ever does. 

"It belonged to a good friend. Just because something's old doesn't mean it can't be used." 

Jacob thinks about a witty comeback, but then remembers who he's speaking to. Instead, he sits on the nearby couch and waits for the data to finish loading. He gazes around the room, realizing that this is the first time he has ever spent longer than a couple of minutes in the commissioner's cramped office. Blisk doesn't spend much time here, as he prefers to do work out in the real world. The gruff veteran says that nothing ever gets done by a stack of papers, that a stapler can't send the same message as live ammunition. That ideology lives on the walls. Apart from a decoy safe and a few filing cabinets that the Board insisted upon, the walls are lined with gun mounts, many of which are occupied by Blisk's favorite weapons. In the darkness, only their outlines hover in view, barely illuminated by the monitor, all of them ghosts of battles past. Jacob finds it odd that there are no knives on display, what with the commissioner's proclivity to use his blade as a conductor's baton, among other things. 

While the monitor still loads the data for the video, Jacob asks, "What can you even watch on this thing if it takes this long?" 

Blisk puts up with Jacob most of the time, knowing that the man is still just trying to do his job. The PR coordinator's attitude, however, usually leaves much to be desired for the veteran. Under the right circumstances, Blisk would be satisfied to knock his lights out so he has something real to complain about. (In this passage, "the right circumstances" is a phrase that means "a few more drinks"). But right now, he's thinking about the answer to Jacob's question. It's helmet and titan video feeds from missions. It's Kane and Richter doing both an arm wrestling match and drinking competition at the same time. It's Viper flying so fast he breaks the sound barrier. It's Slone asking Ash about her past and getting no response. It's victory after victory after victory. It's those last few days on Typhon... 

Blisk replies, "Memories." 

Music begins playing from the monitor, gleaming chords and electronic drums that invoke a now-ancient style of music known as synthwave. The resolution on the screen is fuzzy and grainy, as if the film was recorded on construction paper. Bold letters portray a message on the screen: "Safety in the Outlands, How to Not Die." 

"We're still brainstorming a title," explains Jacob. 

As the title screen fades, it reveals Bloodhound standing in front of a caged prowler. The hunter is dressed in their usual, rugged outfit, but their stance is rigid and tense, as if they have been trying to get this right for quite some time. A secondary title appears, and a narrator reads it, "On today's episode: Wildlife Safety with Bloodhound." 

The legend begins speaking, but sounds both heavily rehearsed and as if they're reading from a teleprompter, "Greetings, _felagi_. The Outlands are filled with blessings of the gods, but there are many fearsome _dýr_ as well. One such is the mighty prowler, which can come in many-" 

Bloodhound is interrupted as the prowler growls and rumbles in its cage, attempting to claw at the hunter's back. Only pausing briefly, Bloodhound turns their head with a glare in their goggles that radiates every fury within the natural and supernatural. 

The prowler sits down quietly. 

"- many different colors and patterns. Prowlers are stealthy predators, so your best chance at survival is avoidance. Look for signs like these territorial markings." 

The camera zooms in on Bloodhound while sample pictures appear beside them, each depicting things like scraped tree trunks and foliage melted by acidic urine. 

"You can also keep watch for remains of the prowler's _bráð_ , which usually consists of other adventurers. Prowlers have difficulty breaking standard body armor with their jaws, so they normally resort to feasting on less-armored limbs. Remember: 'If you see a torso, then that path is a no-go.' 

"If you find yourself at the end of a prowler's claws, here are the following steps you should _taka_ : 

1.) Use every available round of ammunition until the _dýr_ ceases attacking.

1a.) If there are more prowlers than available ammunition, explosives are encouraged.

  
2.) If no ammunition is available, engage in hand-to-hand _slagur_ with the _dýr_ and pray the Allfather has a seat prepared for you.

2a.) Running is never an option. Die with honor. 

"Prowlers are but one of many creatures you may encounter on your travels. For more information, check with local wildlife experts. Always keep your blade sharpened, and may your _slatra_ be bountiful." 

Then, in a very forced and pained manner, Bloodhound puts a hand on their hip and holds out the other in a thumbs up. 

"I am Blóðhundr, the hunter the gods have sent. Stay safe out there, legends." 

Jacob pauses the video, "Okay, scale of 1 to 10, how bad?" 

"Bloody hilarious," grins Blisk, "Do you have more?" 

Jacob sighs, "Unfortunately, I do."


End file.
